Diablo 3 Parody Gameplay
by Hunterling
Summary: Diablo 3 is a great game. It is known for its lazy and incompetant characters, the stupidest villians ever, your character being a moron and you have to deal with it for as long as you play and the most laughable part, people fanticising Diablo 3 in a way that makes them laugh so hard. So many things I have thought about and we start off with our introductions to our charcters.
1. Chapter 1 Introductions

**Diablo 3 Comedy Gameplay**

 **M** ay contain Violence, Language, Blood and Gore.

Brutus the Barbarian is from mount Arreat and he lived happy there but because Baal is a dick and his people are retarded and Baal is a dick, and did I mention how much Baal was a dick because I can't stress it enough that because Baal is a dick, Brutus was banished. PS. This happened because Azula from Avatar went insane again and banished everyone again. Now our Barbarian has nowhere to go and he is stuck on the streets of Caldeum, homeless, nowhere to go and starving.

Meanwhile in Caldeum, Li Ming the Wizard was doing her SATs and they were difficult. Li Ming wasn't allowed to use magic but she casted some knowledge spell and finished the test with a troll face. When her dad who was the teacher found out she banished her and didn't give her any armor. Now Li Ming romes the streets of Caldeum and if anyone asks she ran away to join the circus.

Wait was Brutus on the streets. Li Ming met Brutus and they decided the social life isn't for them because sociable people tend to be retarded. Li Ming and Brutus stayed together forever and people thought they hated eachother but in a way they did.

Johanna sadly died but thats ok because nobody cared about her and she is not important. Her apprentice is. Her apprentice took the name of Johanna and thinks her master is Zakarum or something. The only reason she fights for this Zakarum person is because secretly she's a lesbian and if she does what Zakarum wants, it will bring her master back whom she secretly finds attractive.

Valla and her sister Halissa lived a boring life in a village doing nothing but then demons came and let me tell you if anyone actually paid attention, demons are not that bad. Demons are actually retards, all of them. Including Diablo and believe it or not, they will destroy you if you ask them what an anguish is which is a shame because no one knows and when you ask, they get angry. Valla was attacked by demons that were lead by Azmodan. Azmodan lost a chess game to Halissa and now he will destroy the whole village in a poorly coordinated attack. Valla took Halissa and ran away so maybe she will survive. They constructed a shack and lived in it but then a demom madman drove them out but he only wanted $20. Halissa commited suicide when she heard that a new Twilight movie was coming out and at the same time Diablo 3 is also coming out. Valla decided demons are evil and became a demon hunter to fight the demons. She also became secretly gay (Spoiler alert she devolps an attraction towards Li Ming) and slays demons for a hobby.

Johanna mees Valla on a crusade to kick demon ass and chew demon skulls. The 2 met Brutus and Li Ming and then everyone was amazed with Valla's story. They'd give anything to meet the demon madman. Unfortunately before anyone could meet the demon madman, a falling star fell from the sky and caused the dead to rise from their graves.


	2. Chapter 2 The Fallen Star

**This is the beginning of the quest now. This will be the day we're waiting for. This will be the day we open up the door.**

Johanna, Brutus, Li Ming and Valla make it to New Tristram. They have no idea what stands in the way. Oh wait they do because each and every one of them know about the dead. How did any of them know exactly. It's not like have TV or anything. Especially Brutus and Valla shouldn't know a thing because nobody knows them and nobody cares.

"You know I wonder. How did we all know about the dead being here?" Li Ming asked.

"Zakarum told me. He sends me letters should I have to do anything." Johanna answered.

"Demons used to terrorize us by throwing rocks at us then telling us we are infected." Valla answered.

"I don't know. Diablo told me." Brutus answered.

All attention went on Brutus and confusing the barbarian.

"What?" The gargantuan asked.

"We were just wondering how does that make anymore sense then the stories we told." Valla said.

"Come on you guys can't- Hey look zombie lets go kill it!" Brutus ran towards the zombie and bashed it open.

Valla caught up to Brutus. She looked around and found 2 more zombies and killed them.

"Alright the zombies are dead lets go home." Li Ming said.

"How could you say that. There are thousands of zombies out there and they must be put down." Johanna said.

"But Johanna we keep wasting time like this and it is much more fun then saving the world." Li Ming said.

"Ok then lets waste time." Valla said.

The four stood around doing nothing. Li Ming sighed.

"Fine I will save this fucking world from fucking disaster because it is better then what we are doing now." Li Ming said.

The heroes made it to a blockade. 1 Zombie threatened the guards. Johanna swung her flail and killed the zombie.

"Oh my god. I've never seen anyone fight like that before. You are so skilled at fighting and oh my god so experienced!" Captaim Rumford cried.

"Have you ever swung a flail?" Brutus asked.

"That is a called a flail? Holy Akarat. Only one of great skill could possibly use a flail. You must be gifted in ways no man, demon or angel has ever dreamed of!" The captain went on.

"I was told that I was very gifted and only I am eligable to wield such a great weapon." Johanna smiled.

"I hear ya. I don't even know how to us that thing." Valla said.

"I know. It's so swingy." The wizard added.

"Are you kidding me it's just a flail!" Brutus got fustrated.

"Are you serious? It is the most dangerous weapon that only the chosen one can wield." Rumford said.

"You can hurt enemies without using magic." Li Ming said.

"Just swing it around." Brutus facepalmed.

The heroes made to the Slaughtered Calf Inn.

"Why is it called the Slaughtered Calf Inn?" Valla asked.

"Because Blizzard couldn't think of a better name." Li Ming answered.

"How dare you insult the name of Zakarum! They were the ones who give you this amazing oppertunity to save the world!" Johanna screamed.

"This saving the world thing sucks. I'm sure the world can save itself." Li Ming said.

"How could you say that?" The crusader yelled.

"Demons are not smart enough to think of such a thing." Li Ming said.

"But they still do it!" Johanna said.

"I have to agree with Li Ming." The huntress said.

Valla and another demon hunter were spying on demons.

"Listen all of you. I have an important announcement to make. It could be the difference between life and death. Who stole my beer. I can't get drunk without beer and I need to get drunk to tell you the key to our victory is I am drunk." The demon said.

"I didn't do it. Hey maybe Tucker did it." Another demon said.

"They are lead by Caboose." Valla said.

"We need to find Leah. Hey look it's Leah that was easy.""" Brutus said.

"Are you Leah?""" Li Ming asked.

"Yes I am. I am Leah and I need help finding my uncle who I think is crazy and don't really care what happens to him. My uncle is Deckard Cain and that makes my important.""" Leah explained.

"Whatever why did I come to see Leah?""" Johanna asked.

"I told you these quests are stupid.""" Li Ming said.

"You say that when we go on our next quest.""" The crusader said cheerfully.

The heroes were hunting wretched mothers.

"I told you these quests are stupid.""" Li Ming said.

"Well you say that on our next quest." Johanna responded.

"Johanna face it. Blizzard can't even start a story off correctly.""" Brutus said.

"So. Who wants help me find Deckard Cain?" Leah asked.

"Not it!""" Everyone said Li Ming last.

"Fuck you guys.""" Li Ming said.

 **Sorry guys but this isn't as funny as I have hoped. Trust me in Act 2, 3, 4 and 5 things will improve but trust me I am very disappointed with my work so far I might just edit it.**


	3. Chapter 3 The Fieldtrip

**Alright guys. Li Ming has to alone, go with Leah and find Deckard Cain. Just so you guys know, I really can't be bothered to have this whole level up thing so all the characters have all skills unlocked. I might make fun of the Paragon Points but don't expect the characters to be at the same stage you are. This is a comedy not a walkthough though I will admit, it only starts to get really funny after Maghda dies.**

"So anyway he got blasted and hit by the star and I cried but I don't know why, I never really liked him or cared about anything he said because he is old and nothing he says makes any sense." Leah explained.

"I can see you have inherited his traits if any of that is true." Li Ming said.

"People said my mother was a witch but I never believed it because witches are a cheap thing." The girl went on.

"Do you believe anything people tell you?" The wizard asked.

"No. There was one time someone told me that my hair was red but thats just ridiculous. Do I look like a redhead to you?" The redhead asked.

"No. You look more like a bluehead or a bald lady." Li Ming said.

"Oh my god. My hair is red. I never believed anyone until now!" A suprised Leah said.

"Leah please shut up." The prodigous mage said.

The two made it to a hut.

"It's my moms hut this is so amazing!" Leah said gleefully.

"What is that?""" Li Ming asked.

"Look a hidden cellar lets go through it. Maybe there is awesome treasures!""" Leah said.

"I'm in!""" Li Ming said.

Li Ming and Leah climbed down the ladder. They peaked behind the door and found an empty room and a cauldron.

""Well not much."" Li Ming said.

Captain Daltyn rose up and raised his sword to cut Li Ming open but Li Ming stepped out of the way.

"Well Leah I guess theres nothing here." Li Ming said.

"Hello Captain Daltyn. I thought you were dead." Leah said.

"Don't tell me you are hallucinating. Please first you loud mouth your family now you hallucinate what next?""" The angry wizard ranted.

"Maybe a zombie that was once the captain of the militia whos now got freezing powers for no reason will attack you.""" The oblivious girl said.

"I'm going to kill my team. I'm going to kill all of them.""" Li Ming said as she got out of the way of a frost bomb.

"What is that noise?""" Li Ming turned around and saw a giant zombie. "Was Captain Daltyn that large prior infection?" Li Ming asked.

"People said he was but I never believed it.""" Leah said.

"Whatever.""" The pissed off wizard said.

Li Ming created a frost nova that froze captain Daltyn and herself.

"God dammit he used his frost bombs again." Li Ming said.

The 2 broke out of their freezing state.

"Don't worry my friend I'll save you!"" Leah said.

While Li Ming and Daltyn fought Leah didn't even do anything. Li Ming killed Daltyn finally.

"God dammit Leah. I fucking hate you." Li Ming said.

"Would you like my mothers journal. I don't want it. It doesn't have any pictures.""" Leah whispered.

"I still hate you.""" Li Ming said.

Li Ming read the journal. ' _Aiden came to me last night. He was extremely horny and I wanted to fuck him as best I could. He then told me he was Diablo and I needed that handsome devil. I woke up and thought, did I actually have sex with Diablo? I don't think it matters. It felt good and want to do it again.'_ Li Ming closed the journal.

"I am so going to kill my team." Li Ming said.

"Can I come with?" Leah asked.

"I tell you what. Stay here and never come out of here again and then I will return with Deckard Cain." Li Ming said.

Li Ming made it to Tristram. She was furious at her team. She walked up to them.

"Oh hey Li Ming. Your back already?" Brutus asked.

"You guys are dead. If you do not give me one reason to kill you all, I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you." The wizard threatened.

"You look so cute when you're mad.""" Valla said.

"Then I am the most beautiful fucking thing in the universe.""" Li Ming said in a cold voice.

"You wanna be the leader of the team who resolves only important issues?""" Johanna asked.

"I'm leader now! We are going to save Deckard Cain right now!""" The wizard said.

"Not it.""" The crusader and barbarian said.

"Alright then Valla you're with me." Li Ming grinned.

"Wait why are you grinning?""" Valla asked.

"Do you have anything with a picture on it?""" The wizard asked.

Leah saw something drop on the floor. She picked it up. It was a map of Tristram and it said go here. Leah followed the map. She found Johanna and Brutus.

"Oh hello guys." Leah said.

"That bitch. No wander she let us off easy.""" The barbarian said.


	4. Chapter 4 Saving Cain

Li Ming and Valla made it to the cathedral. The floor beneath them crumbled. Li Ming took a peak down. She saw the crater of the fallen star.

"How could Deckard Cain survive such a thing?""" Valla asked.

"He has plot armor.""" Li Ming answered.

"What is plot armor?""" Valla asked.

"Do you ever get the feeling you are inside a story. A story that is terribly written, who the reverted back to cavemen when they wrote the story but non the less a story?""" The wizard asked.

"Um no.""" Valla answered.

"Well a story has a plot. A plot has a script and requires a certain character to be alive no matter what you do. It looks like Deckard Cain has plot armor. Should Cain die it is because the plot requires it. He will likely die explicably, in a terribly rendered cutscene to a butterfly from world of warcraft knowing how well the script is going.""" Li Ming explained.

Valla looked at the crater suspiciously.

"Do we have plot armor?" Valla asked.

"I hope we don't lets go.""" Li Ming said.

Valla and Li Ming jumped into the cathedral. Valla screamed and landed face first. Li Ming followed and landed perfectly on her feet.

"Ta da!""" The wizard cheerfuly boomed.

"You didn't have to push.""" Valla spat.

"I didn't have to, but it was more fun. By the way you have plot armor.""" Li Ming said.

"Cool. I am better than you. I am immortal now. Fuck you Li Ming. I have plot armor that makes me the best.""" Valla cheered.

"How can you be so happy in plot armor. Now that I think of it Diablo 3 is missing an element.""" The wizard realised.

"Two other demons called Diablo and water.""" Valla shouted.

"Plot.""" Li Ming corrected.

"If this was a story we would be the most efficeint heroes ever.""" The demon huntress said.

"Ya. I'm going to go jump down that crater again. How the fuck did we miss that?"" Li Ming asked.

"No! You may not pass.""" The hunter declared.

"Why."""

"I won't let you. You don't know the password."""

"Did you make it up?"""

"Yes"""

"Password."""

"Nope."""

"Then its the word password 5 times. Longer passwords are more efficient."""

"I still won't let you pass."""

"Valla you can't protect me from something that isn't yours."""

"Dibs."""

"What?"""

"Dibs. I just called dibs on the fallen star."

"You can't call dibs on a star! That's retarded."""

"Retarded or not you may not pass."""

"Why?"""

"Error 37!"""

"You can't be serious."""

Li Ming disconnected.

"Lol nerd."

"Wait."""

Valla disconnected.

Error 37 has taken over Diablo 3. Blizzard is a jackass and can't create more servers but instead, deletes the severs. Now it is just one server. Error 37 forever. Two days later Error 37 got sick. Now people can log back in.

Valla and Li Ming got back to their quest. The wizard made it to a door and opened it up and the biggest, most disgusting creature showed up. A grotesque. The grotesque chased Li Ming around and around but Valla killed it. The grotesque exploded covering the wizard in goo. Li Ming coughed.

"Ew it smells like someone set a fish on fire." Li Ming said.

"Woah shut up. Your breath smells like infected cheese on a hot plate.""" The demon huntress said.

"Lets keep moving."""

The duo find a villager. He stumbled towards Li Ming.

"Please kill me… I don't want to change!" The villager screamed as he changed into a zombie. He screamed loud enough for Brutus and Johanna to here.

"Did you here that? Some little girl's introuble!""" Johanna said.

A dying militia man crawls towards Li Ming.

"What the fuck why is everyone coming toward me?" A confused Li Ming asked.

"We had to fight them but there were too many and they overwhelmed us."""

The soldier died and gold started flying through the air. Li Ming tried to grab it but tripped on the slime she was still covered in. Valla took it all.

The demon huntress and sourceress make it to Leorics passage. They find Cain. Cain was running away.

"Stay back. Back. I am covered in grotesque fluids." Cain cried.

Cain walked by the crater. The skeletons followed him but stopped for no reason.

"May this ledge fall." Cain scrowled.

The skeletons still weren't moving a foot. Rocks slowly and as carefully and gentily as possible, fell on the skeletons who couldn't be bothered to move. The skeleton king arose.

"Skeleton King? What are you doing here?"

"I live here. It is obvious that the room service hasn't cleaned out all the critters. Guards bring me his bones. I need them because I have made tea but I need his bones to stir the sugar!""" The skeleton king ordered.

A skeleton was summoned. He had a case and opened it.

"Hello. This is an urgent announcement. If you care about children please standby.""" The skeleton said.

"Many families are starving because they are malnourished. They can barely have enough food to survive. Their bones are so brittle but you can stop this. Please donate your bones to help the less fortunate or call £0000FF to send an entire skeleton of someone who is one of your children. Please donate your bones and ensure the survival of these poor people and in return we will give you Error 37 to make anyone who is annoying fuck off.""" The skeleton advertised.

"""Don't worry Cain. I will save you!" Valla loaded the skeleton full of arrows.

"Thank goodness. He almost persuaded me. That Error 37 deal was so irresistable.""" Cain said.

"Well thank god you're alive. Leah is waiting on you."" Li Ming said.

"I can't wait to return so I can force you into bed and fuck you.""" Valla randomly cheered.

"Are you talking about me?""" Cain asked.

"No. Why would I want to fuck you?"" Valla said in disgust.

"What are you?""" Li Ming asked.

"A pervert. That's what he is."""

"I was talking to you. Are you a perverted lesbian?"""

"People don't call women perverts. They're are called whores.""" The huntress responded.

"Cain. I really feel sorry for you.""" Li Ming said.

"I feel worse for you. You smell worse than Belial's birthday cakes.""" Cain said.

Baal and Diablo put Belials birthday cakes in a catapult and hurled them at the angels. The stench was so powerful, angels died on impact.

"Imperius. It looks like the forces of hell have deployed some super weapon. They are eradicating our numbers so quickly. We need to do something! Ahh!"""

"Oh no. It looks like we need two Auriels as even the current one is loosing hope.""" Ithereal said.

"Oh god. We're doomed! Nothing can save us, how can we survive against impossible odds?""" Auriel cried.

"This is the worst birthday ever." Diablo yawned.

"Happy birthday Dia- What the fuck are you doing with all the cakes I cooked?""" Belial asked.

"Belial you can't cook. It is my birthday and we were all supposed to have cake. The most delicous thing in the worldstones creation. Now look at half our demon armies. Only 2 of Azmodan's sin lieutenants are alive!""" Diablo exploded.

"They may be good at killing angels but not enough carnage or terror you fool.""" Baal yelled.

"I just thought, I was really good at cooking.""" Belial sobbed.

The three made it back to town.

"Hey look Li Ming, Valla and Deckard are back." Brutus said.

"I'm totally gonna act suprised and happy but really, my uncle is a madman." Leah spat.

Johanna and Brutus made it to Li Ming and Valla.

"Well look at that our glorious leader and-" Brutus started coughing.

"What is that stench it smells like decomposing fish bathing in bird shit." Brutus scrowled.

"What smells like- ew gross. It smells like a dead sperm whale exploded while it was covered in horse shit.""" Johanna coughed.

Leah walked by.

"Ugh what is that smell. Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters? It smells like old yoghurt!" Leah said as she covered her nose.

"You will not believe what happened to Li Ming." Valla cheerfully sang.

"Did she eat and then throw up a garbage truck?""" Leah asked.

"Close. She ate and then regurgitated a grotesque." Valla answered.

"Why do I have to be covered in grotesque fluids? I can already see it again in the future.""" The wizard said.

Li Ming and the other 5 walked towards Imperius.

"You its your fault the High Heavens is being destroyed! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Imperius yelled pointing at Li Ming.

"Why are you pointing at me and only me?"""

A grotesque appeared out of nowhere.

"Sorry to interupt your inevitable destruction that was poorly coordinated but I am supposed to explode on Li Ming anyone seen her?" The grotesque asked.

The wizard pointed at Valla but everyone pointed at Li Ming.

"I hate my life. Actually I hate everybody elses life. I wish they didn't have them." The wizard said.

 **Li Ming and Valla have rescued Cain and Valla also tried many times to kidnap Li Ming and get in bed with her. Meanwhile, Brutus and Johanna are lazing around doing nothing. Hope they exercised because they are in for a disaster next chapter.**


	5. Chapter 5 Fools Errand

Li Ming stood up.

"Ok all of you. We are going to fight the skeleton king right this instant. No excuses! Nothing! I would be giving a more emotional and inspirational speech but I just know I am talking to a bunch of clueless retards.""" Li Ming explained.

"Actually, we can't fight the skeleton king yet. We have to get a crown for some unknown reason although we can't jump over the ledge that Cain collapsed.""" Johanna said.

"Cain, where is the crown?""" Li Ming asked.

"I with all my infinite wisdom of the high heavens and providing the only knowledge and power to stop the end of the world cannot tell you where the crown is."""

"I hate you."""

"I hate Brutus.""" Johanna randomly told the wizard.

Li Ming gave Johanna an empty look.

"Rock beats scissors thats why!""" Johanna added.

"I hate my team.""" Li Ming spat.

"So Li Ming. Are we ready to go on our adventure?""" Johanna asked.

"Just get on with it.""" The wizard stressfully spat.

Li Ming and Johanna made it to Haedrig Eamon. Li Ming walked up to him.

"Hello. My name is Li Ming and-"

"Not now! I am standing out here doing nothing when I am supposed to be killing my wife and friends who have been bitten by zombies. They got bitten by a magical zombie that miraculously appeared and infected everyone and just as quickly disappeared and now nothing can explain why I am not doing my job or someone else is not doing the job."" Haedrig explained.

"Looks like someone is tired of the script.""" Li Ming said.

"Johanna can you hold this, my laces on my boots are loose and I need to tie them."""

Li Ming gave Johanna her legendary two handed staff about 5 meters big with 3 sockets with giant gems inside and it was glowy and shit. Li Ming got down and tied her boots together. She came back up but Johanna's hands were empty. Li Ming looked suspiciously at Johanna.

"Hey where is my staff?""" The wizard asked.

"What Staff?""" The crusader responded.

"The one I just gave to you."""

"You gave me a staff? I think I miss placed it."""

"I gave you a giant hard to loose staff and looked away for 10 seconds and ALREADY YOU LOST IT?!"""

"No. I don't think you gave it to me."""

"Well it surely didn't just magically teleport into some poor persons stomach!"""

Mira vomited all over Li Ming but was quickly killed by Johanna and all of the zombie fluids splashed all over Li Ming. The wizard found her staff.

"How the fuck did my staff get in there?"

"I may have just beaten the game and then took your staff and make that thing eat it then up the difficulty to Torment Infinite Fuck You Li Ming and then reload the whole thing?"""

"Sure would explain why my life is torment infinite.""" Li Ming answered.

"Ok guys. Now that you killed my wife and friends I will happily tell you the crown is in some chancellors tomb.""" Haedrig said.

Li Ming and her ever faithful and most loyal and least annoying and believe it or not it is true, follower Johanna made it to a gate in the village.

"There is a big pack coming this time it is quite dangerous! Be prepared for anything!" A guard said.

A single scavenger starting clawing the gates.

"We're hit! We're hit! We're all gonna die!" A guard cried.

Li Ming electrocuted the scavenger.

"Oh well. That's the last of em. We shouldn't be attacked anymore." The guard said.

"I wish Diablo 2 Lords Of Distractions was canon. What would I give for that to be true! Everything!" Li Ming cried.

"Not me. That sucks." Johanna said.

"You don't have a life. I wish Tristram was blown up by the demons and your mother or master just happened to be there and get killed.""" Li Ming cursed.

The wizard and crusader went to the weeping hollow. There were scavengers, grotesques, zombies, wretched cadavers, walking corpses, Li Mings covered in grotesque goo, Li Mings getting chased by creatures, nobody caring about Johanna, Li Mings cursing everything. Eventually we have Johanna number godonlyknows and a Li Ming who smells like a wet sloth who came out of a dinosaurs ass. Johanna and the wizard went into several defiled crypts.

"Look at these crypts. They are defiled." Johanna said.

"Is something in there that belongs to me?""" Li Ming wondered.

Li Ming found her life surrounded by skeletal bones and corrupted magic. It is also known as Blizzards half a second long brain span.

"Now I know why my life is defiled and why it sucks dick." Li Ming said.

"Look at it. It sucks dick so badly it even sucks dick at sucking dick.""" The crusader responed.

"This is embarrassing."

Li Ming and Johanna found a crown.

"That must be the crown.""" Johanna said.

"Wait wait. Don't touch it.""" Li Ming said.

"Why?"

"Where's Valla?"

"Why?"""

"Because,"""

Li Ming came loser to Johanna's ear.

"Actually just bring Valla."

Valla stole the crown and cartwheeled away before a specter appeared and started beating the crap out of Li Ming.

"You fuck! I will rip off your head and incinerate it in my gram gram's toaster!" The chancellor cursed.

After Valla and Johanna left, Li Ming continued to get beaten by the insane creature that hates her.

5 Hours later

Li Ming came back and Valla vaulted towards her.

"Li Ming, let me clean your body."

"Valla. If you could kindly fuck off. It would make my day."

"Li Ming you missed it. You know the crown that we took?" Johanna asked.

"You mean my crown!" Valla spat.

"We don't need it.""" Brutus said.

"Way to take out the suprise.""" Johanna said.

"You're telling me, that I made my way through countless hells and got a crown and made it back those countless hells and just now you tell me I didn't need that crown?"""

"Pretty much.""" Valla cheerd.

"I hate the lot of you."

"What about me?""" Brutus asked.

"If it isn't Valla it is you Brutus." The wizard cursed.

Li Ming made it into a house to rest. She heard a knock on the door. Li Ming opened the door and a half naked Valla wearing a crown waited for her.

"How about you and I get lost in an adventure, together." Valla said in her most sexiest voice.

Li Ming shut the door in Valla's face.

"Come on Li Ming cheer up. I promise to clean you when a grotesque explodes on you again." Valla said.

"Valla for the love of god shut the fu-."

Next thing Li Ming knows she has woken up naked in the same bed with a naked Valla holding her.

"Oh hello. How's my princess Ming?" Valla asked.

"Don't call me that and what the hell just happened?" Li Ming asked.

"Sorry I forgot and we just had an adventure together."""

"Valla can you not talk to me like that or not talk to me at all!"""

"What happened. If there is anything wrong you can just talk to me."""

"How is it still night?"""

"It's always been night."""

"Valla how long was I out?"""

"You were never knocked out."""

"Valla. The last thing I remember was me yelling at you and then all the sudden we are having sex.""" Li Ming said as she got back in her clothes.

"Oh you started acting all friendly and nice to me and you wanted me to call you Jules and you wrestled me into your bed and we had a ravenous sexual frenzy."""

"Did you drug me?"""

"What? No I would never do that. Psst, I don't think I know what drug means."""


	6. Chapter 6 Down With Leoric

**Li Ming is still confused on how she ended up having sex with Valla and before she finds and kills the skeleton king Leoric, she is going to find out who drugged her.**

Li Ming and Valla well rested but the wizard felt a little dirty, they went to wake up Brutus and Johanna. Johanna was already awake. Li Ming was on Johanna's door when it opened.

"Oh hello. How did your romance with Valla go last night. Or 18 hours to 10 minutes ago?" Johanna asked.

"It wasn't romance. It was brain washing. Did you drug me?""" The wizard angrily asked.

"Well I didn't drug you but I did do smething.""" Johanna said.

"Why would you do that?"""

"It was an accident!""" Johanna cried.

"It was a happy accident. Sex with Li Ming is the best thing in the world.""" Valla randomly added.

"You can't trick me. I am loyal to my master.""" Johanna said.

"I'm serious you should try it. I would pick Li Ming over anything.""" Valla cheered.

"Johanna don't you ever do that again.""" Li Ming threatened.

Li Ming walked away. Johanna walked over to Brutus's room. Brutus opened his door.

"It worked. The only problem is she knows but I pinned it on me." Johanna explained.

"Did she do it with Valla?""" Brutus asked.

"Yes. According to her sex with Li Ming is the best. She is trying to tempt me and it's working!""" Johanna cried.

"She's behind you.""" Brutus said.

"Oh sorry Li Ming I didn't mean to-" Johanna turned around.

"You should be more specific."""

"Yes. Yes I should."""

"Hello guys. Li Ming wants you to come join her on defeating the skeleton king.""" Leah said.

"Not it.""" Brutus quickly said.

"Fuck.""" Johanna responded.

"And calling not it will mean you have to stay here with me." Leah added.

"Fuck.""" Brutus added.

"""Well I'm going." Johanna said.

"Me too.""" Brutus said.

Brutus and Johanna made it outside. They saw Valla wrapped around Li Ming trying to reach Cain who had been avoiding her ever since Valla got outside. Li Ming pushed Valla off and stood above her.

"Valla, when I meet the demon who forgot to kill you, I am so going to kill him." Li Ming said.

"Why can't you kill me?" Valla asked.

"You won't understand." Li Ming responded.

"Oh you secretly love me don't you. And I mean love as in you want to marry me don't you? Don't you?""" Valla asked.

"Valla I hate you the most out of everyone here.""

"Now Li Ming that is not a nice thing to say. Say sorry.""" Leah demanded.

"This universe just loves making me change my mind." Li Ming growled.

"Sorry to interupt your party but, are we gonna get out of here and start rolling some skulls?""" Brutus asked.

"Finally lets get moving.""" Johanna said.

The four made it to the passage. They went hunting for the skeleton king. A tomb guardian summoned 18 skeletons and they all went after Li Ming.

"Son of a bitch.""" Li Ming cursed.

Valla strafed all the skeletons. Johanna shield bashed the tomb guardian while Brutus bashed the creature as high as kingdom come. When it arrived Ithereal looked at it.

"I see you came up here because you wanted to learn your fate or because some barbarian threw you up here.""" Ithereal said.

"How did you know?""" The tomb guardian cackled.

"I am Ithereal archangel of fate. Your fate is to die defending the skeleton king. Unfortunately I cannot send you back down because the ancient laws of the high heavens prohibits us from doing anything helpful and I don't wanna end up like Tyrael so welcome to heaven.""" Itherael greeted the tomb guardian.

"Hold on. Did I just blast that guardian to heaven? I think I was supposed to send it to hell.""" Brutus said.

"Don't worry.""" Johanna said.

"BY THE LIGHT BE DAMNED!""" Johanna yelled.

"Are you going to rewrite my fate?""" The tomb guardian cackled.

"Yes. Someone from the sanctuary will curse you to be be photophobic.""" Itherael answered.

The tomb guardian laughed.

"Wait photophobic?" The tomb guardian asked.

"Oh god the light! Get it off me! It burns!""" The tomb guardian cried.

The four heroes found a crater.

"Hey guys. Let's jump down the crater and get to the skeleton king faster." Li Ming said.

"I don't think so!""" Valla boomed.

"Valla fuck off!""" Li Ming said.

"You may not jump down that crater!""" Brutus said.

"Ya. Zakarum says no and I will hold it's word.""" Johanna said.

"I am the leader of the group so what I say goes.""" Li Ming responded.

"Li Ming don't make me get Error 37.""" Valla said.

"How can Error 37-"""

Li Ming disconnected.

"Hey where's Li Ming?" Brutus asked.

Brutus, Valla and Johanna disconnected.

Error 37 is back and Blizzard is still a jackass so instead of expanding the server or making new ones, they shrunk the server until only 1 tenth of a person can play. Error 37 however caught smallpox and got sick again. Blizzard realised shrinking the servers won't help so they expanded the server but now in order to play, you must pay $20 every time you log in.

The heroes continued and found some cultists doing some ritual. Valla, Johanna and Brutus got scared.

"Li Ming, I am scared. Can you deal with them?" Valla asked.

Li Ming sighed and used her disintigration beam to defeat the skeletons. The cultists started making random noises. They were torturing some poor person. The wizard used her ray of frost to freeze the cultists.

"Your magic is weakening." The person said.

"I come to free you and you insult me?""" Li Ming asked.

"Exactly now hurry up and free me you dumb bitch.""" The person ordered.

Li Ming sighed and shocked one of the cultists. The cultists stopped and then the person was free.

"Thanks to the retarded whore that saved me I am free!" The person cheered.

"Bitch take care of them.""" The person ordered.

Li Ming killed all the cultists.

"Now back to my mission. What the fuck are you looking at bitch? Go away you fuck." The person yelled.

"""Excuse me that is no way to talk to a lady."

"A lady? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.""" The stranger laughed.

"Who are you?"""

"You will know soon enough sugar queen."""

"It is funny how Li Ming manages to stay calm after everything.""" Johanna whispered.

"Hey, I hear someone. Come out! Would you like to help me with my quest?""" The warrior asked.

"Oh sure, I would love to but the way you treated my dear girlfriend, I don't think I can let you in our buddy club.""" Valla declared.

"Valla, we are not aquaintances or lovers.""" Li Ming said.

"Says the person so eager to have sex with her.""" Johanna said.

"Says the person who drugged me.""" Li Ming said.

"Says the dirty whore who has the logic of a prawn.""" The warrior added.

"Says the random stranger who shows no respect whatsoever at the women who just saved your life!""" Valla yelled.

"Everybody can you shut the fuck up for two seconds!""" Brutus yelled.

Two seconds later the warrior opened his mouth.

"Shut up.""" Brutus quickly intervined.

"Ok. You just go with Johanna. Brutus, Valla just stay with me." Li Ming ordered.

"So what brought you to this infernal place?" The warrior asked.

"Li Ming wants to defeat the skeleton king.""" Johanna said.

Li Ming really wanted to pummel Johanna but what's the point.

"What a bitch.""" The warrior said.

"You should meet Leah.""" Li Ming said.

"Shut up bitch nobodies talking to you!""" The warrior yelled.

"Um whoever you are, that was her way of telling you to shut the fuck up otherwise she will do something horrible to you.""" Johanna said.

"I beg your pardon?""" The warrior asked.

"Believe me. The day you meet Leah is the day you will kill yourself.""" Johanna said.

"Hey look the glowing pit.""" Valla said.

"The cultists dragged me past this glowing pit. What made it?""" The warrior asked.

"Lets jump down to find it.""" Li Ming suggested.

"Fuck you you're gonna jump down there!""" The warrior yelled.

"I can't be bothered.""" Li Ming said.

The warrior reached his stuff and then put on his armor.

"I am Kormac, warrior of the templar order, slayer of women, lurer of evil!" The warrior explained.

"You mean slayer of evil, lurer of women?""" Johanna asked.

"What? No I am the slayer of women and lurer of evil.""" The templar said.

"Ok. Makes alot of sense.""" Johanna said.

"If it's the skeleton king you seek, you must fight your way past Jondaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr."" Kormac explained.

"Ok. We will help you kill this Jondar.""" Li Ming said.

"His name isn't Jondar it is Jondaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Kormac yelled.

"Ya get it right. Jondaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr is obviously a threat.""" Johanna said.

The five made it to a wooden barrier.

"Why is the thing have a tag that says black magic?" Valla asked.

"Because it is trolling us.""" Brutus answered.

"Black magic bars our way. BUT THE WILL OF A TEMPLAR IS STRONGER!""" The templar destroyed black magic the wooden barrier.

"Hey look its Jondaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr.""" Johanna pointed out.

Jondaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrr waited for everyone. Kormac went down fhe ramp.

"You were a templar Jondaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrr!" Korma yelled.

"Whatever.""" Jondaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr said.

Everyone attacked Jondaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr and killed him. Once Jondaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr is dead, Kormac thanked everyone for there assistance except for Li Ming and departed.

The four went past the crater.

"Guys, I can literally see the crater. I can just jump down and face the skeleton king." Li Ming said.

"And we say that ain't gonna happen.""" Johanna said.

"You guys are so difficult.""" Li Ming said.

"Oh yes. Yes this is it. I can finally mass produce it but first I must find the person who fell under this spell.""" A voice said.

Johanna, Brutus and Li Ming peaked around the corner. It was some man. Valla vaulted toward him and leaned forward.

"Hello. Whatcha doin?" Valla asked.

"Go away. If you are wise, this gold will satisfy your needs. I mean curiosity.""" The man said.

"We all have needs. Hey do you know who drugged my friend with some sexual frenzy spell?""" Valla asked.

"What the... how did you? I said stay away!""" The man said.

"Hey um I think you dropped something near us that we kind of experimented on our leader that belongs to you.""" Johanna said.

"You used it? That's it I'll kill you!""" The crazy man threatened.

"Johanna if I were you I would run.""" Li Ming said.

The crazed man started beating the crap out of Li Ming.

"If I were you, I would listen to my own advice." Johanna said.

Brutus bashed open the head of the crazy person and blood poored all over Li Ming.

"With all this stuff getting spilled on me, I think I'm gonna get sick." The wizard said.

"It just amazes me how you manage to be calm.""" Johanna said.

Valla took the book he was looking at and hid it.

"What are you doing?""" Li Ming asked.

"Stealing something.""" Valla answered.

Li Ming stole the book and burned it and threw it out the window.

In the royal crypts, there was Li Ming the wizard the universe hates so much, Johanna number godonlyknows, Valla the demon huntress and some other guy called Brutus. They found a sword.

"Li Ming. I'm scared, can you pick up the sword?" Valla asked.

"Johanna can you pick it up?""" Li Ming asked.

Johanna touched the sword and arrows went flying towards Li Ming. Li Ming protected herself with diamond skin. Leoric and other people appeared in ghost forms. They acted out Leorics death but then Duriels face appeared.

"Looking for Leoric? Oh wait, Baal I messed up my line. We need to start over. Yes we do. But then how will the people watching the ghost cinema thing know that we need $20?" Duriel continued to talk to someone who couldn't be heard.

 **Our adventurers are about to face the skeleton king and put an end to his troubles that he hasn't caused.**


	7. Chapter 7 The Skeleton King

**Greetings viewers. This is the first detailed battle we will see. The four heroes vs a skeleton king. First Boss of 3 in Act I.**

Valla was the first to enter followed by Brutus, Li Ming then Johanna. As the four continued, a ghastly figure of the skeleton king appeared.

"You will never defeat me.""" Leoric said before disappearing.

"What a terrible script.""" Li Ming responded.

As the demon huntress, gargantuan, holy warrior and hated continue to find an open door, it shuts close. 4 Skeletons are summoned and surround the four. Valla fires a hungering arrow that flies through one skeleton then turns around and flies through it again and again and again until it dies. Brutus flattens one of them with a hammer. Johanna shieldbashes it and the skeletons falls out of the walkway. Li Ming uses her arcane torrent to destroy the skeleton who is charging in and trying to kill her if Li Ming's diamond skin protected her. The gates unlocked for some unknown reason.

"Well it is so nice for you to open the gate after we killed your buddies." Li Ming said.

The four found the skeleton king. They got ready for battle.

"Okay Valla. Put the crown on his head." Johanna said.

"The crown doesn't do anything.""" Li Ming said.

"Oh we just want him to look nice when we pummel him.""" Johanna said.

"Hey I found it first. If this thing takes it away, I am gonna be pissed.""" Valla said.

Valla took the crown off her head and slowly made to the skeletons body. She hesitated to put it on.

"Goodbye crown. I am gonna miss you. I wish there was some other way." Valla cried.

She placed the crown ontop of the skeleton kings head. It's skull began to move.

"Get this fucking piece of shit off me!""" The skeleton king yelled.

Valla screamed, took the crown and vaulted away just as Leoric rose and did his morning routine:

Stretch

Scratch his balls

Rub his eyes

Try to go back to sleep

Get up

Scratch his balls again

Realise that he can't go back to sleep and then get annoyed

After his morning routine was finished, Leoric raised his mace and charged after Li Ming. Li Ming used her diamond skin to defend herself when Leoric slammed his mace on her like a hammer. Valla jumped onto Leoric and put a grenade in his neck and quickly vaulted away. Li Ming ignited the grenade with an arcane orb. Leoric teleported away and summoned skeletons surrounding the group. Johanna launched herself into the sky and landed on the skeleton king using her fallen sword. Leoric kicked Johanna but Brutus was quick to fly in out of nowhere and kick the skeleton king before he posed any threat. Meanwhile Valla was strafing the skeletons and then archers started shooting at her. Li Ming and her diamond skin protected Valla as and she was free to throw knives at their skulls. Leoric teleported onto Li Ming and swung mace so hard it sent her flying onto a wall and shattered her diamond skin. Johanna charged toward Leoric but a skeleton shieldbearer pushed her off course. Brutus went after Leoric but was pinned down by archers. Valla kept multishooting Leoric and unleashing Chakrams at him while vaulting away from him. Li Ming used her blizzard spell with apocalypse enhancement to destroy the skeletons then a vaulting Demon Huntress landed right next to her. Leoric teleported ontop of the two and Valla used her rapid fire at the same time Li Ming used her disintegrate and they defeated the skeleton king. Leoric exploded leaving behind all his fancy things. Leoric's crown had changed somehow. It had gotten smaller to fit Valla's head.

"Hey Valla can you take that stupid thing off your head.""" Brutus demanded.

"Never. It looks nice and I like it. And it is also a gift.""" Valla responded.

"Gift from who?""" Johanna asked.

"No its a gift to someone.""" Valla corrected.

"Who are you going to give it to?""" Li Ming asked.

"You sweetheart.""" Valla cheered.

Li Ming's light smiled turned into a sigh. Johanna and Brutus giggled.

"Valla I am not gay."

"Yes you are. Once a lesbian always a lesbian. You slept with Valla. Naked!" Johanna teased.

"Because you drugged me and I don't know how you did that unless you were peaking through my window.""" Li Ming said.

"Hey give the woman her space. I don't want my future wife to get cranky because of you two giving her a hard time." Valla intervined.

Li Ming facepalmed.

"I ship Lilla." Johanna said.

"Are me and Li Ming going on a ship? I love ships.""" Valla cheered.

"Let's just go to the crater.""" Li Ming said.

The bubbly demon huntress, her future wife who is also hated by the universe, the Lilla shipper and Brutus found the crater of the falling star and it was a man. The four came down to his level.

"So the fallen star is a man?""" Li Ming asked.

"Are you stupid?""" Valla asked.

"I am..." The stranger said.

"Not stupid."

"I am."

"Poorly programed."

"To speak."

"Like this."

"Like I."

"Am retarded." The stranger finished.

"Another example of Blizzards retarded half ass moves to make us curious. This is obviously an angel from heaven. Look the blue is like the blue in angel wings and it came from up high not down low.""" Li Ming explained.

"Honey. Save your crazy bedtime stories for when we are in bed." Valla said.

"Valla. For the millionth time, I am not your wife, lover, spouse, fiancé or whatever." Li Ming said.

"Let's get you back to Cain.""" Johanna said.

The five went back to Tristram and found Kormac passed out on the floor. Leah came toward them.

"Oh hello guys. Have any of you found the templar guy around? He said he was going to kill me but then he started running away and now I can't find him." Leah explained.

"That is because you are dumber than a sack of hammers." Brutus responded.

"Oh. That explains a lot." Leah said.

Li Ming walked toward the teams temporary house.

"I'm gonna have a lie down. Anyone need me, I am in the slaughtered calf inn." Li Ming lied.

Li Ming went to her room and found Valla.

"Valla get out." Li Ming ordered.

"Li Ming I heard strange noises coming from my room.""" Valla said.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Li Ming asked.

"Could I sleep with you?" Valla asked.

"No." Li Ming answered.

"Please." Valla cried trying to give Li Ming her cutest look.

"Fine." Li Ming sighed.

"Valla can you close your eyes for a second?" Li Ming asked.

"Sure." Valla closed her eyes.

Li Ming casted the Mirror Image spell then jumped out the window. The mirror Li Ming leaned in to kiss Valla.

"Okay you can open them." The mirror Li Ming said.

"That was easy." Li Ming said.


End file.
